When all is said and done I believe that love is the most important thing in life. Love others like our Father has loved us. But sometimes, that's a lot easier said than done.
I'll be the first to admit that many years ago I put walls up around my heart. I shut people out to keep from getting hurt and while it's not the best tactic, it's one of the few things I felt that I could control. However, after awhile I slowly began to take that wall down, deal with my past, and open up to others. Mainly because I learned about God and who He really is. I built a relationship with him and he's been my best friend every since.
It's funny when people ask about my trip to Uganda last summer because many will ask why I went, why I went alone, and the inevitable...wasn't I scared? But the thing is, the decision to go was not an easy one to make. I feared answering God's call for me because well, what if I couldn't pull it off?
In those moments alone with God, close to 2 years ago now, I learned what it's like to fully trust and truly love. He called me to go and love...a scary task when you think of the pain it might cause in the end. But with my wanting to continue to grow closer to my Father I agreed. I handed over any inhibitions and I became open. I let myself fall in love with the children, the people, the culture...I knew it would hurt to leave, but sometimes love hurts. That doesn't make it not worth it. I spent the entire journey back to America on the verge of tears, I broke down my first night back, and I learned to open up with those around me here in the states.
However, I learned how risky it is to be open with those around you on a daily basis. When people asked how I was, I was honest with them. The truth was, I wasn’t okay. I didn’t want to be back in America, I didn’t want to be back in school, and it hurt to be away from Uganda. However, that’s not what people wanted to hear. I was told multiple times to “get over” what I had experienced in Uganda and that I should be happy to be back with my friends and family. It was hard to hear these things from people I considered close friends. I was truly happy to see my friends and family again, but my heart was torn in two (and I imagine it always will be). So before long I stopped talking about Uganda to certain people and I watched myself become more closed off.
Over the past few months as my time in Chattanooga ended and now as I’m restarting in Brentwood I have found myself terribly missing being open and loving freely without concern for how it might end. What better way to fix that than to put yourself out there and see what happens? I must say, the last few months of my time in Chattanooga were amazing and friendships grew. I miss my friends there, but I wouldn’t trade all of the time we spent together for anything. I know I’m still not a very open person and some aspects of love still scare me more that I wish they did, but I’m working on it…
I guess really, it’s been certain memories of Uganda and specific circumstances in my life now that have brought my attention back to this whole concept of love. It’s an unpredictable thing that can make a person happier than they’ve ever been or leave someone in tears, but either way…love is always worth it.
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