"Be all there"

Wherever you are…be all there. Advice from an ex of all people, but interesting advice it is. I can’t be ALL anywhere. Heck, right now my heart is in at least 3 different places and yet I’m in another all together. Can you ever really be “all there”? And if you are, does that not mean that you are giving up or selling yourself short in some area? I know that for the rest of my life I will never be fully content and happy and wish for nothing. Sound crazy? Ok, maybe it does. But here’s the thing…I gladly left part of my heart in Uganda. I long to be back there and not a day goes by without me thinking about the people there. However, while I was there I also missed my family and friends in America. I can never be two places at once and so I know that I will always, on some level, long of something I don’t have. I don’t want to be “all there”. I don’t want to simply focus all of my time and energy on the things occupy my daily life (which is what the advice was given in reference to) because while I do need to focus on my life in Brentwood, part of my heart is in Uganda, part of it is in Chattanooga, and part of it I have given away elsewhere. If I decided to focus on my here and now, my daily activities be it a job or school, I would risk losing or at least neglecting the people and things that I care so much about that are not in my daily life…and why would anyone want to risk that?

I currently lead a boring life...

How can it really only be two weeks since I moved?!? Crazy. I'm pretty sure I've been here for at least a month or two!!!

While it was fun at first to have no real plans...no school, no job...I'm over it. I enjoy being lazy for a day or two, but much more than that and I just feel like I'm wasting time. I've applied for multiple jobs, so hopefully one of those will come through this week. School starts in two weeks...I'm ready.

I know that I need to focus on the here and now, but it's just hard. I often get lost in daydreaming about the future. I haven't even started my program and yet I'm ready for it to be over...I should probably work on that.

Love

Just some thoughts I've been trying to put together for a few days now...

When all is said and done I believe that love is the most important thing in life. Love others like our Father has loved us. But sometimes, that's a lot easier said than done.

I'll be the first to admit that many years ago I put walls up around my heart. I shut people out to keep from getting hurt and while it's not the best tactic, it's one of the few things I felt that I could control. However, after awhile I slowly began to take that wall down, deal with my past, and open up to others. Mainly because I learned about God and who He really is. I built a relationship with him and he's been my best friend every since.

It's funny when people ask about my trip to Uganda last summer because many will ask why I went, why I went alone, and the inevitable...wasn't I scared? But the thing is, the decision to go was not an easy one to make. I feared answering God's call for me because well, what if I couldn't pull it off?

In those moments alone with God, close to 2 years ago now, I learned what it's like to fully trust and truly love. He called me to go and love...a scary task when you think of the pain it might cause in the end. But with my wanting to continue to grow closer to my Father I agreed. I handed over any inhibitions and I became open. I let myself fall in love with the children, the people, the culture...I knew it would hurt to leave, but sometimes love hurts. That doesn't make it not worth it. I spent the entire journey back to America on the verge of tears, I broke down my first night back, and I learned to open up with those around me here in the states.

However, I learned how risky it is to be open with those around you on a daily basis. When people asked how I was, I was honest with them. The truth was, I wasn’t okay. I didn’t want to be back in America, I didn’t want to be back in school, and it hurt to be away from Uganda. However, that’s not what people wanted to hear. I was told multiple times to “get over” what I had experienced in Uganda and that I should be happy to be back with my friends and family. It was hard to hear these things from people I considered close friends. I was truly happy to see my friends and family again, but my heart was torn in two (and I imagine it always will be). So before long I stopped talking about Uganda to certain people and I watched myself become more closed off.

Over the past few months as my time in Chattanooga ended and now as I’m restarting in Brentwood I have found myself terribly missing being open and loving freely without concern for how it might end. What better way to fix that than to put yourself out there and see what happens? I must say, the last few months of my time in Chattanooga were amazing and friendships grew. I miss my friends there, but I wouldn’t trade all of the time we spent together for anything. I know I’m still not a very open person and some aspects of love still scare me more that I wish they did, but I’m working on it…

I guess really, it’s been certain memories of Uganda and specific circumstances in my life now that have brought my attention back to this whole concept of love. It’s an unpredictable thing that can make a person happier than they’ve ever been or leave someone in tears, but either way…love is always worth it.

Getting settled down in Nashville...

After lots of packing, cleaning, and some tearful goodbyes...I'm in Brentwood. (Oh yea, and I graduated!) I'm almost done unpacking and strangely enough this feels right. I'm right where I'm supposed to be and I'm excited to see what comes of this next year! I know God has some plans that I'm unaware of and I'm intrigued to see what they are...

As I'm getting settled and unpacked I've also been spending way too much time online looking at various things around town. First of all, I'm looking for a church. I'm actually quite excited about one in particular that I found. I had heard of it before and had ran across it online last night, but had not yet looked into it too much. Then I saw it today as I was driving around so I've been reading all about it tonight. I'm excited to check it out, so we'll see! I've come across a few others that I think could be good fits, so who knows.

I also need to start applying for jobs, I have a few places in mind. Hopefully one of them will work out! With grad school my schedule is going to be changing quite often so I'm hoping to find a place that can be flexible with me.

And then of course, like always, I'm spending way too much time daydreaming about Uganda. It doesn't seem like a year has already gone bye, but right at one year ago I was packing up and getting ready to go. Now I only dream I was packing up to go...soon enough, I will make that journey again. For now I will look at pictures, read blogs, and of course keep an eye on plane tickets and daydream of the day I return...

It's time to go...

I'm praising God tonight, as He and I have had many conversations lately about my upcoming move to Brentwood, and tonight I'm finally ready to go. I haven't lived there in a few years. Chattanooga has been my home for the past 4 years. It's the place where I changed, my life changed, and I learned who I am/who I want to be. Chattanooga and the people I have met here will always hold a special place in my heart, but it's my time to leave.

Thank you God for giving me peace about moving...I really needed it.